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The Art of Conversation

9/3/2018

8 Comments

 
We were just going to make it a quick trip to get cat food. We were about one aisle away when he saw his opportunity, and he pounced on it. We never saw it coming. It was a classic ambush. He was a brash, narcissist who had but one singular intention. He was what comedian Brian Regan refers to as me-monster. They are the conversation combatants who parachute in and seize control of the moment. They somehow make any situation all about them.

They reside among us folks, preying on unsuspecting victims. The Me-monster thrives on one-up-man-ship. You got bit by a dog. They wrestled with a grizzly bear. You rode your bicycle to work. They unicycled over the Himalayas with a bad case of hemorrhoids. Oh yea, we can't wait to hear all about that.  

I was trapped and I knew it. 
He opened by inquiring why I was using a walker. “Do you have a knee problem?" Why, hello to you too! No, I just use it to pick up chicks! He wasn't fazed at all when I said it was because of a brain tumor. His urge to boast got the best of him. He was a professional motorcycle racer. Without missing a beat, he proceeded to point out the countless broken bones and ailments he had. Five in this leg, ten in that leg, twenty here, thirty there and on and on and on. There was no time to come up for air. It was an impressive display, even for a me-monster. I could have been exploding from my insides out right there in front of him and it wouldn't have mattered. Clean up on aisle 5,6,7 & 8. He had an audience and he wasn’t to be denied.

He used a walker for a few weeks once. "It'll get better" he assured me. Whew, what a relief, I feel SO much better now. I really appreciated his “professional” diagnosis. How he came to that conclusion is alarming since he really didn't take the time to find out anything about me, but then again he is a professional. He's done this before. The whole conversation was about him. More of an impromptu interview if you will. In my head I was cuing the music in hopes that someone would take his mic and he would be ushered off the stage. He was like cousin Eddie's dog. "Once he gets going, its best just to let him finish Clark." 

Normally, you’re a good listener, but when hijacked by a me-monster you find yourself distracted with planning an exit strategy. Fortunately, there won’t be any questions from them to break your concentration. Just throw in the occasional nod or chuckle. Meanwhile, you survey the terrain, looking for all possible evacuation routes. Once they finally surface, or run themselves aground, you have to be prepared to immediately spring into action. Time is a factor. Look for any slight hesitation on their part. Excuses become paramount at this point. It is vital to not underestimate the sucking power of the me-monster. Once they latch on, they don’t easily let go. It may be necessary to rely on a partner or teammate to properly pull off an extraction procedure. 

Fortunately, my wife was keenly aware of the exit strategy and we were able to pry away from Evil Knievel. It may not always be that easy though. If the Me-monster shows up on your doorstep you have a whole new set of challenges. They can disguise themselves quite cleverly. Do not be deceived! Once your perimeter has been compromised, it's nearly impossible to defend. They will use whatever tactics they can to achieve their agenda. I know, we've recently suffered such a breach. 

In contrast to the me-monster is the talking tree stump or mumbling mannequin. This character flames out faster than a soggy match in a rainstorm. They both present unique challenges. As much as the me-monster can overwhelm, the mannequin can underwhelm. What they both have in common is a seemingly inability to ask questions. I had an encounter with a mannequin on a walk in the neighborhood the other day. After the initial greeting, He planted himself in the proper speaking position, looked eagerly at me and then nothing. I proceeded to lob convo starters one after another in his direction. To my amazement, he wiffed every single time. I was pitching a no hitter without even trying. It wasn't even a contest. It was like trying to play tennis with a palm tree. I was wondering if I would need to check for a pulse. Surely something would get him engaged. Problem was, he didn’t budge. He stood his ground as if waiting for that one perfect pitch to take deep. This was way too much work. I was exhausting myself trying to get him to bite.  It was beyond awkward. I was playing 21 questions with myself. So how about this weather? Is that the real statue of David in your front yard? I'm taking a survey, which looks thicker my lawn or my hair? I was getting desperate. I was bombing and I knew it.  I just wanted to get the heck out of there. He wouldn’t leave, he wouldn’t engage, he was stuck in a loop. If he was a computer, I would have re-booted him long ago. 

I don't have much social contact these days. I want to make every opportunity count. If I'm feeling up to it, I want some honest to goodness dialogue. Like today for instance. My brother came over for a short time. We always have a good visit. Sometimes we just hang out. Sometimes we watch a movie. Sometimes we work on a project. But we always seem to have good conversation. That's the way it should be. In my humble opinion, a good conversation should have some back and forth. Ask a question. Is that too much to ask? See how easy it is. Inquiring minds want to know. Both parties should share in the dialogue. People who are poor conversationists are pool poopers plain and simple. If you can't bring your "A" game then don't bother showing up! Leave your sales pitch and your hidden agenda behind thank you very much. I have a limit to my good nature. Life is far too short!

 
8 Comments

Doctors appointment.

8/9/2018

8 Comments

 
Life is pretty restricted for me now. Not that I am complaining but, I am basically a shut-in at the moment. My days consist of rehab and rest. Even the simplest of tasks can be a monumental challenge for me. It is quite different for my wife. She juggles a demanding full time job, shuttles me to all my appointments and takes care of all the household chores.
 
I have very little social contact. I look forward to the days I get to go to therapy and interact with the people who have made it their business to help me every step of the way.  When I feel up to it, I go to the grocery store with my wife. A really big day is a doctor appointment. We plan doctor appointments like some people plan their vacations. My wife carries around a planner to keep it all straight.  

I have a plethora of health care professionals. Besides my GP I have my ophthalmologist, E.N.T. audiologist, neurosurgeon, oncologist, thoracic surgeon, speech therapist and physical therapist.  I even have my own case manager. Each doctor wants their own tests. If medical tests were tattoos, I'd be covered from head to toe like a cheap newspaper.  

Last week, after two previous failed attempts, we had the pleasure of "visiting" with my oncologist. I do believe its easier for a terrorist carrying a biological weapon to cross the border than it is for some doctors' offices to coordinate with insurance companies to get proper authorization for an appointment. Since it is a bit of a drive, we decided to give ourselves plenty of time. We left two hours in advance and arrived just prior to our 1p.m. appointment time.

We were greeted with the dreaded health history form. This, I am convinced, is a clever stall tactic. We carry computers in our pockets, cars drive themselves, robots vacuum our floors, yet somehow the medical community can't seem to keep an updated record of our health history. No matter how many different hospitals, clinics, Doctors we visit, we still have to fill out the form over and over again. Don't they know how to share with each other?

Once the form is completed, they inform us that they are running late and it will be at least an hour an half before they can see us. They knew we were coming right? We left the house two hours early, filled out the dreaded health history form, yet somehow they weren't prepared for us? 
The waiting room looked like the motor vehicle department. People were fighting over the restrooms like they were the last helicopters out of Vietnam. 

Now when you make an appointment to see Doctor A, and Doctor B walks in the room you have a right to be disappointed. It's a lot like going to see Bono only to have Bieber show up in his place. He walks in the room, shakes our hands and immediately lathers up with Purell. The least he could have done is offer us some. Who's to say he's not the one with the cooties! He then begins to ask us all the same questions that appeared on the dreaded health history form. Déjà vu I kid you not. So which of these procedures could we have just eliminated in lieu of efficiency?  Hmmmm. No wonder we had to wait 2 hours after our scheduled appointment time.

Doctor B does his job casting doubt, creating fear and ordering additional tests. During the exam he keeps looking at his watch like he's got a  plane to catch. Thats my cue to keep asking more and more questions. Hey doc, what do you think of the Lakers this year? Does this mole look suspicious? Who's your interior designer? By gosh, I want to get my monies worth!

So our 1 o'clock appointment turned into a seven hour day. All so we could see a "stand in" doctor. Do you think the box office will give us a refund? 
8 Comments

Say What?

7/23/2018

0 Comments

 
Got my new hearing aid the other day. I lost all my hearing in my left ear during my recent brain surgery. My right ear had fairly typical hearing loss one experiences over the course of time. So now I have a device in both ears. The left hearing aid picks up sounds on my left side and transmits them to the hearing aid in the working right ear. Now my ears do more than just hold up my glasses. 

It will take some getting used to. The sound quality initially seems very artificial or metallic. I understand that is because the brain has to learn to process certain sounds all over again.  My brain still can't figure out why our cat keeps screaming at me.

It was both frustrating and fatiguing to constantly miss a good portion of what was being said. I found myself just "checking out" of most conversations. It became one more hurdle to deal with. It should come as no surprise that the first time trying it out my wife cried. Probably out of shear relief for not having to repeat herself! 


I do have to be careful now whenever my ear itches not to stick my finger in, or plunge a Q-tip deep in the ear, until after safely removing the device. One of the best features of the hearing aid though, is the on/off switch. This feature can come in particularly handy at times such as being around unruly children or disruptive pets, during social encounters of the truly boring kind aka any sales presentation or during an election period.

You said you called. Sorry, I didn't hear you. Must have had my hearing aid turned off! 
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New Venture

6/27/2018

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This is my first blog. I've written personal letters, newsletters, advertising slogans and copy, sales literature, web content, and press releases but I've never written a blog - before now. My sincerest apologies to all you English majors, professional writers and editors for what is sure to be a comedy of grammatical errors as far as writing is concerned. With that being said, I am resolute to move forward into uncharted waters for me. 

I would like to use this forum as a means of therapy, much the same way I view my artwork. At the moment, I am unable to pick up a paint brush. Fortunately for me, I can now sit at the computer for a few minutes at a time, and type. So in the upcoming blogs, I will take the time to introduce you to myself, my life, my thoughts, and things that I have learned along the way. 

I welcome you to join me on this journey. 


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    Brian Dietz

    Husband, Parent, Grandpa, Artist, Survivor 

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